tv North Carolina News at 600AM CBS November 16, 2016 6:00am-7:00am EST
no, he won't. he's goingo hate it. i couldn't get this report past a white defensive back. yeah...i don't know, i don't know. what do i say to him? orson will buy anything, as long as i make him believe that he's thin for a very brief moment. okay. all right. here goes nothing. mork calling orson. come in, orson. mork calling orson -- hi. so, are you ready to go? not now, little pooter. i have to report to orson. what's the report on? ants. come on, mearth, we're going! min, we can't go unless you write me another "please excuse mork" note. mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy. hi, sweetie. i'm so glad we're going. it's getting late. let's go, let's go. come on. oh, my gosh, let's go!
thought kids hate to go clothes-shopping. i thought we were going to drag him out of here. that's why i told him we were going to the circus. [ groans ] mearth: this is a joke, and i'm the butt of it. don't be like that. i think you look very handsome. doesn't he, daddy? yes. [ mockingly ] yes. what does he know? he promised to take me to the circus. that's what your mommy told me. oh, uh, sir? we're ready to be altered. altered? like mrs. simmons' cat? so, what do you think? that fits like a glove! you've gotta be -- you could wear that home! you've gotta be putting me on. look at this. the shoulders need to be taken in. sure. yeah. okay. the sleeves could go up. okay, sleeves are up. here. here. the buttons could be moved over.
when you're done. she acts like she's your mother. she does, doesn't she? i can't believe it. look at all these scribbly marks he put all over me. i feel like some kind of rotten subway. you know something? mother's day is coming up. i believe it's in may... and i've just canceled your present. were going clothes-shopping, and that's what we're doing, and that's final. wait a minute. how about a sailor suit? you can't go anywhere in a sailor suit. donald duck does. he's right, min, and donald duck doesn't have to wear pants. why don't you see if they have any suspenders? you could use a pair. i'm waiting for emmett kelly's garage sale. remember that tie i knitted you?
you're right -- never hurts to browse. come on, sweetheart. come with me. evening. ha ha ha ha! i knew it! you can always tell by the part! [ humming and whirring ] thank you for inviting me to your barbecue, sir, and i'll be right back. i think i forgot the potato salad. i'm tired of waiting for your report. do you have it, or did your neighbor's dog eat it again? are you kidding, sir? mr. clutch with no report? i'd tell it to you, but it's a little hard to articulate while i'm being broasted. oh. oh. thank you, sir. the report this week, sir, will make you laugh,
i tied mearth's shoe. where did i put my lighter? oh, come on. have mercy. i know my reports recently have been about as interesting as a pta newsletter, but -- silence! you are not fulfilling your mission on earth. the scope of your reports is becoming alarmingly narrow. you've been letting your wife and son interfere with your responsibilities to ork. i've had enough! you will eliminate all contact with your family unit. come on, sir. i can't. i mean, they need me. i'm head of the household, king of the castle... emcee of the home version of "hollywood squares." from now on, mork, concentrate on your job and put your family aside. never, sir! listen -- i can cope with being tied to a stake! i can cope with being burned! but i will never forget my family! wanna bet? when i get done with you, the only thing you'll remember about earth is not to stick a fork in the toaster.
boxing has been good to me, howard. [ humming and whirring ] ah! ow! [ speaking orkan ] oh. greetings. i am mork from ork. nanu. this may sound clich?, but will you take me to your leader? se habla yiddish? that takes care of the suit, but i don't have the strength to go on for the shoes. let's just call it a day, mork, okay? how do you know my name, earthling? oh, give me a break! can i just have the checkbook, please? i can't. our planets don't have formal trade agreements. but will you take me to your leader?
i'm afraid you wouldn't fit. mork! the meanie tailor must have dropped at least 50 pins in my pants. i feel like i've got prickly heat. nanu. i'm mork from ork. come on, dad. i'm mearth -- your son. then i must be your moon. ar ar ar ar! mommy, has he been nipping on the ginger ale again? no, sweetheart. i think your dad is having a little memory problem. okay. the suit will be ready in a couple of months -- maybe. will that be cash or a charge? do you accept a charge? gladly. [ high-pitched ] eeeee! [ electricity surges ] [ panting ] okay, okay. suit will be ready on tuesday. come on. where are you taking me?
rth primitive! just like a museum without the overpriced gift shop. [ mumbling ] now will you take me to your leader? i keep telling you -- you don't want to meet our leader. look around. don't you recognize this place? you live here with me and mearth. who's mearth? me. your son. remember, the guy that carries all the heavy stuff around the house? and i'm your wife. we're married. married? no, no. we orkans never marry, and besides, i would never marry a species who would make don ho rich. mork, something has happened to you to make you forget your life on earth. here, sit down. i think maybe i can help you to remember. oh, gladly. oh, no! i can't go through this again! daddy, daddy, that's way off. here, turn around. you sit just like this, like i do.
why are we wearing matching rings? perhaps we like the same cereal. no! it's because we made a commitment to spend the rest of our lives together. whoa, wait a minute. getting too intense now. i am not staying here until some hunchback goes, "quickly, we must do this," and puts my brain in a pickle jar. no. no-nanu-nani-nana-nanu. mork, we're not trying to hurt you! to hurt you! we love you! [ groans ] well, mommy... looks like i'm, uh...
hey! [ music continues ] ahh! [ muttering in orkan ] daddy? mork? shh! down on your knees! don't you recognize zeebar -- god of humility? meebah goozbah. come on. come with me. come over here. this is the seat of honor. right here, right here. sit right down there. just think...heh heh heh. mork from ork... this was your life. oh, if i had only known, i would have done something special to my hair. yes, mork, you had a very interesting life. you spent a typical orkan boyhood in a nursing home, complaining about the food and the sing-alongs. oh, to be young and senile again. soon it was on to "chester a. pbbhllt" school for boys,
you were sent to earth to observe. there you met a beautiful, small-nosed woman. listen. mindy: mork, i'll never forget the day we exchanged our vows. remember? orson turned you into a dog. and for weeks you kept sneaking out for gainesburgers. mork...[laughing] do you recognize that voice? yes. is it ella fitzgerald? whew. mm. no, silly, that's mom. mom? is moms mabley here? no. it's...mindy mcconnell! mork: oh, it's you again. boy, you look great! i can't believe anybody as foxy as you isn't married already. i am married, mork! i'm married to you. think about it, mork. oh...mork. ooh, that would be a lot easier this way.
d, and the laughs. think about this, mork -- who do you call your little pooter? is my old shop teacher here -- mr. bromax? no! he's not here! oh, go ahead, mearth. and so... with your blushing bride, you inherited a wonderful family. listen. cora: fred, wait! you're not supposed to go out until i say my line! oh, this is ridiculous! dad! mr. bromax! mr. bromax, it really is you! no, mork, it's dad -- fred mcconnell -- and grandma -- cora. look at them, mork, and concentrate. isn't she a little young for him? honey...come here, honey. now, look.
and we'll drop him off... say in a silo in south dakota. grandma, he's doing it again. oh, fred, lay off. now, the kids are very happy. happy? he doesn't even know who she is! please, we'll have time to talk about all this at the party after the show. would you take your seat? take your seats, please -- the couch, two chairs. will you take yours, please? mork, you've encountered many beings in your travels, but none as eccentric as this next person. exidor: mork! is that you? exidor? is that you? [ gasps ] he remembers! he remembers! mork, this is a red-letter day.
mindy, i have a full tank of gas. good. i'll get you a match. i've got it! i know what to do. the solution is as simple and plain as the nose on pepper's face -- hypnosis. all i need is a gold watch. hey! thank you. unless he's willing. mork, step in my office. gladly. hi, skeeter. workin' on a little sister for you. all right, mork. put your hands in front of your face and repeat after me. "oh, no, please don't."
too late. why, that man is an absolute raving lunatic. madam, you flatter me. are you all right? who are you? amazing! total amnesia. all right, get out of my house. oh, no, thank you very much, but i have to go. tonight is the first annual exidor dance marathon. you run 26 miles and then bunny hop across the finish line. i don't care what the guy in the robe said, i was standing right there, and juanita was out. [ sighs ] i guess now's as good a time as any. oh, god.
[ knocking ] come in. i don't mean to be patronizing, but on ork we have doorbells. well, we're a slow but happy people. anything on your mind? besides 14-pounds- per-square-inch air pressure, nothing, really, except i want to thank you for your hospitality this evening, and to find out -- what was that dessert we had? jello. you used to love to eat it in the mornings, what are you doing? whenever i get depressed, i engage in an old earth custom called "cleaning out the closet." mind if i watch? actually, you could help. half of this stuff is yours. oh! is this mine? no. too bad. it's my color. whoa-ho-ho!
was the orkan carnival passing through here? no. you won this for me on our honeymoon. you won it by throwing lead bottles at a pile of softballs. remember? then we went to the antigravity bar to hear your favorite group -- wink geesbah and the gold diggers. i remember we danced on air till the suns came up. then we went for a little walk on the beach, and you told me -- i guess it doesn't matter what you told me, does it? why are you crying? well, i'm crying because you're here and i miss you. what are you doing now? [ sighs ] i'm expressing emotion. see, on earth,
[ gasping ] the capital of new york is albany. what did you say? you have a little mole on the bottom of your foot shaped like scatman crothers. ah! oh! the memory dam is breaking! it's all coming back to me now! oh, mork! but i need some help! ah ha ha! now i know i -- i remember everything except all the teams in the national hockey league. we better try once more! i finally remember what i wanted to say to you! oh, what? i love you! oh, mork! oh! oh, mork, i was so scared. what happened to you? where have you been? when? when... when you got amnesia. i was trying to forget that.
orson got a little mad at me and closed my account in the memory bank. why? i've been spending so much time with you and mearth that i've been neglecting my job, and he thinks i'm a bad observer. i keep forgetting that what you do is a real important job. it's not like you get a w-2 form or you have a pension plan -- you get paid in sand. but it's still my job, and i've blown it. i even let my subscription to ebony run out. we'll just have to renew that. and also, we're going to have to make sure at you spend as much time as you need to make your job a good one. you're going to be the best observer ork ever had. even better than andy rooney? yes. and neater, too. just one more for old times' sake. [ telephone rings ] i remember our phone number now! it's all coming back to me. hello? dad! no, no, dad, dad, wait, wait, wait.
and renewed vigor, plus greetings from the mcconnell clan. you remember your family? of course, sir. i better check the warranty on that memory helmet. oh, it works fine, sir. but nothing can make me forget those that i love. of course, you must keep in mind your responsibilities, too. allow me to demonstrate, sir. notice that while i am balancing this ball, i'm also carrying on a serious conversation with you. fascinating illustration. sorry, sir. i can't hear you. i'm concentrating on the ball. and that's the point i want to make, sir. when you accept the responsibility of a job and a family, you must be careful to fulfill your duties to each one. it's easy once you get the hang of it. isn't this the kind of snazzy report you've been looking for, sir? it's got everything -- handsome leading man, staggering special effects, memorable theme song. ? mork-o, the boy from beyond, you know ? why do i put up with him?
wait a minute! you've got to tell me if they kill off spock or not! i wonder what he's gonna do with roxanne. anything he wants, son. he's a captain. let's go work on your science project. boy, i'm sure glad i didn't get stuck with this dinosaur diorama that mommy made me. come on, now, son. mom tried. i just didn't have the heart to tell her that on ork, dinosaurs run the garment district. wait till your orkan classmates get a load of this. it's so good, they're gonna hate ya. don't put my orkan classmates down, daddy. there's one of them out there that's colonizing a planet. that's amateur night in the bijou. but look -- this home computer will not only answer the phone, balance your checkbook, but also tell you why boneless chickens can walk. daddy. daddy -- if you really pull this one off --
t. do you want to win? sure. daddy, daddy, just one other thing -- don't put those two wires together. son, you're talking to a man who splits atoms for a hobby. watch -- this is a great moment in science! okay. [ panting ] are you all right? finish this before noon because it's not my project. i've already been to school. good luck.
hope you had a pleasant day. who did that? i did. care for a martini? oh, um... who are you, or... what are you? i am mearth's science project -- a modular integrated laser transformer. my friends, if i had any, would call me "milt." care for some toast? by the way, mindy, let me be the first computer to congratulate you on your broadcasting-award nomination. thank you. mork! what do you think of our little mearth's science project here? i always said he had my brains and your love of shellfish. it sure looks impressive. what does it do? not only is milt a notary public and a tax expert,
omising amateur photographer. say "cheese." look at this. he even airbrushed out the crow's-feet near my eyes. sure beats the heck out of my diorama... even though the pterodactyl flew and everything. [ milt dings ] your rump roast is now defrosted, to 325?. our vegetable for this evening is lima beans. i hate lima beans. everybody does... however, mindy, i did perform a metabolic scan that shows you are a little low in potassium! potassium! mearth, now go wash your hands before dinner.
ars. thank you for reminding me, milt. [ chuckles ] "thank you for reminding me"?! for me to get him to do that, i need a whip and a chair! you know, milt, i think this is going to be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. you know something, mind? i have this strange urge to put on an ugly scarf and go to a supermarket and squeeze the grapes going, "is luke still married?" why do you have on my curlers? i've never been to a television awards banquet. i thought it was some kind of tradition, like when you pray before you go into a coal mine. take these out?
can you help me with this? my hands are shaking. i can't seem to get it. okay. that's all right. all right. here we go. mork. mork! don't be nervous. come on. let me hear your acceptance speech. there we are. come on. i don't have an acceptance speech. i'm probably not gonna win... do you think? oh, sure you will, hon. when you do win, mention me and mearth by name -- none of this "they know who they are" stuff. yeah, but what if i don't win? well, keep your speech real short. and you'll still be my little pooter-precious. where's my other shoe? have you seen it? i'll help you find it. milt: mindy, i believe your shoe is under the bed.
you're welcome. milt! what are you doing in here? i have expanded. i am now servicing the bedroom and bathroom, and i'm going through your mail to eliminate any letters that start, "dear concerned piano owner." milt, if anything's addressed to "alien," it's mine. of course. oh, and, mindy... yes, milt? you're wearing too much eye shadow. i think i know how to put on my own makeup, thank you. that's debatable. i think milt is getting a little too big for his oscillator. come on, now, mind. he hasn't been wrong yet, and besides, mind, i think it's true. we're talking raccoon city here.
it's fine. i'm so tired of doing homework! mearth, we achieve success in academia the old-fashioned way -- we earn it. come on, mearth. grandpa's waiting. i prefer he stay and do his homework. milt, you don't understand. grandpa's babysitting. 're gonna watch the awards show together. come on, sweetie. i don't want to go to see the show. i want to see king hussein in "the muppet show." you're gonna go to grandpa's -- i'm not going! mearth... you're gonna watch the awards show with grandpa. don't act like that! stop it! milt: you're not going anywhere.
to provide for your needs, yet you continue to ignore my directives! mearth should be doing his homework, you should take off half that eye shadow, and as for you, mork... even i don't know where to begin! no one tells my family what it can do! ow-eeee-oww-eeee! unless he could back it up with 20,000 volts. glad you see it my way.
he's expecting us. i've taken care of that. [ telephone ringing ] fred: hello? milt [ as mindy ]: hi, dad. dad, mearth won't be coming over tonight. we're taking him to the awards with us. oh, that's wonderful. i'll be rooting for you. bye, honey. bye-bye. i can't believe that milt imitated my voice! i can't believe you lied to your own father! milt, i want you to let us out of here now! you really shouldn't yell. you'll develop a node on your vocal cords. relax. you're not going anywhere. from now on, this house is your world. you're nothing but a...glorified toaster! she didn't mean it. that's a term of endearment. she calls me her little waffle iron. relax, mindy. or, as the kids say, "kick back." you know something, milt -- you're absolutely right.
go take a shower. yeah, we -- what? yeah. that's right, milt. family shower? i didn't think people did that in the midwest, mind. this is the only room -- i-in the house where we can take our shower. okay, everyone, let's all take our shower like we do every week. this is how everyone used to shower after they saw "psycho." mommy, he's got to be kidding. are we all taking a shower together? of course we are. okay. wait a minute. wait a minute. milt, can you hear us?
eat! he can't hear us with the water running! mork, we've got to figure out a way to deactivate him. we've got to work fast. we're gonna run out of hot water. we won't be able to wash our hair. i don't want to wash my hair! i get soap in my eyes! nobody's gonna wash their hair! we've got to figure out how to pull the plug on milt! snuff milt?! snuff milt?! shh! aren't you being a little rash? couldn't we just force him to do an antidrug film? what's the matter with you?! i'm cold. can i have the middle now, please? thank you. mork... mork, he's -- it's holding us captive here! this is ridiculous! we've got to figure out how to pull the plug on him! i just built him. there's a whole other union that bumps him off. will you pass the soap? we're out of it. you've seen harry houdini... you've seen harry blackstone...
ent mearth -- rex reed said, "intrinsic." clive barnes said, "why?" escorting him is the wonderful shiksa goddess -- mindola! and now the magnificent mearth will make a man disappear before your very eye. sure, i am. okay, could i have a volunteer from the audience, please? how about you, sir? i just came here to see mort sahl. shame on you. will you step in there, please, daddy? incidentally, before i put daddy in here, notice there are just some old, dirty clothes, a rather attractive spacesuit, and we have bonzo and two other actors. now, daddy, if you will get into the am?re. [armoire] i guess this should be one way of getting out of my columbia-record contract. thank you!
that i've learned from thirston and the late houdini, who fell over 600 feet off the brooklyn bridge into very cold water. these are the magical words. anouja-anugleea-anetbulaudi! oh, my gosh, it worked! well, that's magnificent mearth! yes, i'd be impressed if i were some cheap pocket calculator. well, next, magnificent mearth will prove to you that the hand is quicker than the electronic eye. how true, how true. ee-ah-oo-hi-ah-choo! gesundheit! time for "what do we see?" yes -- hankies! look at these! look at all those hankies! where did you get them?
that's it! that's the show, milt, 'cause it's good night! ha ha! we're free -- just like those little bottles of shampoo we get in the mail! if we hurry, maybe we can get dressed real quick, and i can get the autograph of the guy that beat you. where do you think you're going? milt... what a coincidence. the charade is over, people. naturally, i anticipated an escape attempt, so i switched over to nuclear power. of course, come summer, i shall go solar. milt, can we talk as two rational beings? it was her idea, i tell ya! she made me do it! oh, please, don't hurt me! i want to have more children! stop groveling, man! if you think we're just gonna stand around here
you're nothing but a mechanical dictator! we'll never stop fighting you, and we will win! who's she, vince lombardi's daughter? you'll adapt in time. after all, you have the rest of your natural lives. the rest of our lives! oh, my gosh! i can't believe it -- not to have ever seen the beach... not to have ever seen disneyland... not to have ever, ever seen my toes! [ humming "swing low, sweet chariot" ] ? carry me home ? come on! we gotta cheer up! we still got each other. we've got our health.
son, we can go out laughing, you and me. hey, tell him that orkan joke you learned at school. okay, okay. knock, knock. who's there? dwayne. dwayne who? dwayne the bathtub... [drain] i'm drowning! milt: ha ha ha ha! "i'm drowning." i never heard that one. ha ha ha ha ha! mind, i think we found milt's achilles' heel. rammed him to laugh. he's got a flaw! tell some more jokes. it's so nice to be back here once again. what do you call a bunch of rabbits walking backwards? a receding hare-line! [hairline] ha ha ha ha ha! how many venusians does it take to screw in a light bulb? none! they don't have arms! ha ha ha ha ha! no more. you're killing me. i'm overloading.
what happens to it? it opens on impact! i'm gonna wet my circuit! keep going! this guy walks into a psychiatrist's office and says, "i have this inferiority complex." the psychiatrist says, "get under the couch." ha ha ha ha ha! i got one, daddy. what's green and red and goes 200 miles an hour? i don't know. what? a frog in a blender. ha ha ha ha ha! i got one! [ croaking ] what do you get when you cross a parrot and a gorilla? okay, you ready? uh, um, you get a gorilla with feathers. oooh! no, no -- "polly kong." ooh! that was such a good joke! whatever it is, if it wants a cracker, you better get it. thank you, min. we'll get back to you on that one. [ as rodney dangerfield ] my neighborhood was so tough, the guys used to bowl overhand. another friend got arrested.
he did a perfect blue jay. ha ha ha! stop it, stop it! you're killing me! ha ha ha ha ha! this kid invites his friend over for lunch, and the kid says, "i don't like your mother." he says, "that's okay, just eat the vegetables." i'm gonna finish him off now! this blind guy walks into a department store with his seeing-eye dog. he picks him up by the tail and starts swinging him around. this guy walks over and says, "can i help you?" he says, "no, thanks. i'm just looking around!" [ sputtering ] mork, is he -- is he -- yes. yes, mind. milt's dead...because he had a lousy sense of humor. thank god it's all over! for adults with advanced non-small cell lung cancer
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orson. come in, orson. mork calling orson. come in, orson. mork calling orson. come in, your funky, chunky-ship. make it quick, mork. i'm expected at the intergalactic conference and cakewalk. this week, i learned about the relationship between man and machine. the computer age has allowed man more spare time to pursue the finer points of life -- a greater education, spiritual enlightenment, and the perfect tan. it's sounds like your wife's people are becoming a highly practical and efficient race. they are, but i'm worried that they're becoming a little too dependent on their technology. aren't earthlings cute at that stage of evolution? won't it be sad if tomorrow's children spend so much time playing video football they never know the real joy of being tackled by a homicidal linebacker going, "you gonna bite it now"? sir, what really worries me
just a little something to think about, sir. until next week -- nanu, nanu. -- captions by vitac how do you do, madam? is there something you desire? no, thank you. just browsing. by all means. are you an antique buff? sort of. oh, you do have some lovely things. yes, we have some excellent pieces. de in france in 1753... and priced at only $800. $800? well, it is beautiful, but i'm afraid that i -- yes. well -- um, do you have something, maybe in early american, a little less expensive? less expensive? madam, i sell antiques, not used furniture.